This site is a repository of everything I learnt from my escape and recovery from what I belatedly came to realise and accept was a six-year highly toxic, manipulative and abusive relationship that came to a head in late 2017.

It also chronicles my experience of not being believed by police, multiple wrongful arrests, and a complex police investigation and prosecution that eventually resulted in serious criminal charges — including controlling and coercive behaviour — being brought against my then wife.

It covers the shock, anger, disbelief and sense of utter betrayal I felt when the case was inexplicably abandoned by Kent Police and the CPS in April 2020, in the middle of the first pandemic lockdown, following — as I discovered later — a fatally inaccurate and misleading final police submission to the Crown Prosecution Service after the trial date had been set.

If they understand it at all, most people believe coercive and controlling behaviour is something primarily perpetrated by men against women, and that it is something underpinned primarily by the threat or use of physical violence and aggression. This is often the case — but as I found to my cost, as many women use coercive control as men. It is not a gendered crime, despite what the government's VAWG policy may have you believe.

It is often so subtle, so insidious, so "under the radar" that victims don't realise what is happening and how they are changing until it is too late.

"The aim of this site is to use my experience of the abuse and my recovery to shine a much-needed light on this highly toxic form of domestic abuse known as Narcissistic Abuse."

I hope to raise awareness for everyone affected by toxic relationships about the tragic cycles of abuse that all too often result in childhood trauma metastasising maladaptive coping behaviours into personality traits that persist into adulthood as criminally abusive and manipulative relationship patterns.

The tragedy in my case is that she was a victim too — a victim of a traumatising childhood that trapped, forever, a deeply hurt child in an adult's body. It wasn't until after the damage was done, with all the police and criminal justice system involvement, that either of us gained some insight into what was happening and why.

This site is intended to be a learning resource for victims of domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse, for professionals in the field, and for anyone wishing to better understand this poorly-understood crime — including those with "people pleaser" type personalities that are particularly vulnerable to manipulative styles of abuse.

This site also documents the secondary abuse I suffered through my ex-partner's reflexive manipulation of police and criminal justice systems, by taking advantage of the institutional gender bias, prejudice and discrimination against male victims of domestic abuse — weaponised by the deliberately gendered approach to domestic abuse policy.

More content coming. In the meantime, the following resources are highly recommended for anyone seeking to understand coercive control and narcissistic abuse:

Dr Ramani Durvasula — Clinical psychologist and leading authority on narcissistic abuse. Her YouTube channel provides accessible, evidence-based explanations of narcissistic behaviour patterns, recovery, and why victims stay. Search Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Dr Todd Grande — Licensed professional counsellor with accessible, detailed explanations of NPD, the Dark Triad, and cluster-B personality disorders. YouTube: Dr Grande.

Documentary — Narcissistic Abuse by Aletta Meijer. Featuring male and female victims alongside psychologists, this is one of the most accurate and helpful documentaries on the subject: Watch on YouTube ↗